“Come’on” she sighed as she waited to hear her sister’s voice on the other end of the line; but it kept ringing. “Hello, I’m not available…” she pressed the end button before hearing the rest of the sentence on her sisters’ voicemail greeting. “Great!” she whispered, trying not to wake the baby. She was actually going to try to tell her sister. She started to leave the room but decided to wait a little while.
She watched as her baby slept peacefully in her crib. She watched with a blank stare. She didn’t smile. She didn’t look at her lovingly. She just stared because her mind was somewhere else. She was having the negative, nagging thoughts again. She couldn’t stop it. She was nervous and scared and tired of everything—all of it. She was so very exhausted and so very sad.
Maha started sobbing softly. As her sobbing got louder, she ran out of the room so not to wake little sofia. Maha rushed to her room and locked the door. She cried until her eyes were bloodshot red. She cried until her head hurt and her voice changed. She cried until her eyes burned and she thought she couldn’t shed another tear. Not knowing what to do or how to make herself feel better, she got her journal out and wrote everything in her mind.
I think I have lost my mind! I’ve been crying for the last 30 minutes and I just feel miserable. I hate myself. I hate what I’ve done. I am ashamed! I don’t know how I’ll ever face him.
She kept writing until she heard Sofia crying again. She must’ve lost track of time. She closed her journal leaving it on the bed and went to her daughter in the other room. She picked her up carefully and held her closely to nurse her. She wondered if she should tell someone about what was going on with her as she nursed her baby. No one knew about her secret. Not her husband, her aunts, friends or even her mother. She hid her emotions so well when around others that no one noticed how depressed she truly was. She was too ashamed and afraid of being judged if she told anyone.
Her secret was eating her up inside. It prevented her from enjoying life’s most precious moments. She felt as though she was just existing and not living. It was exhausting to be pretending all the time. Pretending to be happy, pretending to be enjoying her life.
“Asalaamu Alaykum, I’m home” said Salim as he looked around the living room for his wife and daughter. He continued to the bedroom to find only Maha’s journal in the middle of the bed. He thought for a moment as he picked it up. He put it down only to pick it up again. He wanted to know what was written in there. She’s always writing in there and she never lets him see it. Without another hesitation, he opened the journal and removed the pen that was in there. He continued to read it feeling nervous and guilty all the while.
“Subhanalaah!” he exclaimed trying to lower his voice and looked back to see if she was coming. He hurried to the door and locked it.He needed to finish reading. He wanted to know every sentence and every word in that journal.
He’s never felt so many different emotions all at once rush through his body before. One minute he was angry at her and himself, the next he was disappointed and frustrated. How could he have not known? Why couldn’t she trust him and let him know that she felt like this? Why?!
He was engrossed in reading Maha’s journal that he didn’t hear her knocking until he heard her yelling from the other side of the door.
“Open this door, now!” She banked on the door with all her might but he didn’t open. She feared the worst. With tears running down her face, she pleaded “please stop. Don’t read it. Just stop.”
After what seemed like days, he finally let her in while still holding her journal.
She examined his face closely. He wasn’t only angry, he looked disappointed…hurt.
Without saying a word, she ran into his arms and cried like a baby. “I’m sorry” was all she could manage to say through tears and snot.
To be continued…some day.
Today I’m inviting Ismee Irm to the five days challenge! You can accept or reject:)